SJennyJournal Prompt: Can you think of a time when you felt you simply wanted to get even and then things would be fine? Did they end up fine? How did “getting even” feel to you?
We all get hurt by people around us. Sometimes it’s the people we love dearly and sometimes it’s those we barley know. In either case, it’s something that’s hard to take. Being hurt, misjudged, overlooked, and stepped on isn’t easy. It’s also not easy to get past that pain, anger, and resentment. Our first instinct is probably to get even. We may want to hurt them back and pay pain with pain. Even the Old Testament talks of “an eye for an eye”. It’s deeply engrained in our social conscience – this need to get even.
The sad truth though is that the pain we dish out can never cancel out the pain we receive. Instead, it simply adds to the pain and sparks another round of “retribution”. The end result is a never ending cycle of pain and anger. Think of the famous Hatfield and McCoy feud from the late 1800s. What started as a simple disagreement, over a hog of all things, quickly turned into a war between two families that lasted for generations. The feud spiraled out of control so badly that we still know about it today. In each act of retribution and revenge, we see an attempt at canceling out pain received with pain given. It’s very apparent that this didn’t work.
It’s sad to realize in hind-sight that a lot of pain and death could have been avoided if the first act of wrongdoing (or perceived wrongdoing) was forgiven. In the case of the Hatfields and McCoys it seems obvious to us that they should have forgiven and would have saved everyone involved from the coming feud. In our everyday life, that isn’t always as clear.
Practicing forgiveness can be hard. We don’t want to forgive when we’re hurt. We want the other person to pay for what they’ve done. Forgiving seems like we are giving in and giving up. Thankfully that’s far from the truth. Instead we can forgive because we chose to get past the pain and anger. While revenge and handing out more pain can’t cancel out the pain we feel, forgiveness can help us heal.
When we’re really honest we don’t want revenge. We don’t want to inflict more pain. What we really want is to heal and move on with our life. Practicing forgiveness will get us there. It doesn’t mean that we love the person who hurt us and it doesn’t even mean that we get back to the relationship we had before. But it does mean that we give up those feelings of resentment and the need to get even in order to find peace. Forgiveness will help us heal and move on to a happier place.
On a side note, I had a client once who couldn’t forgive an ex for waht had taken place. After lots of discussion, it was shared that the person kept asking and seeking an answer to WHY did this happen? No answer would have been satisfactory. I encouraged him to ask, What is next? instead of Why? It also was clear that he didn’t like that she wouldn’t provide closure for him and he had to create that himself. He also wanted to have the last word, and she had been the one who had the last word and the feeling of not being heard, bothered him and left the door ajar. He wanted to hurt her as much as she had hurt him at first and it took some time for him to move past the hot heat of his anger into a more tender place. Revenge, always backfires. Don’t shoot yourself!
