SJennyIf you’re having a hard time forgiving one particular person, it may be time to talk it out. Sometimes our anger and pain is rooted in misunderstandings. Sometimes we simply have a hard time understanding and seeing the other person’s point of view. Sometimes we feel misunderstood and ignored. All of these scenarios can make it hard to forgive and move on. We feel stuck and often the easiest way to get unstuck is to have a conversation.
That’s right… sometimes you have to confront the person you’re angry with and talk it out. You don’t have to be mean or nasty about it. In fact, you shouldn’t be. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt and approach the meeting with an open mind and, if possible, an open heart. Assume that this is all a big misunderstanding until proven otherwise.
Invite an open and frank discussion. Start with open ended questions. It’s fine to let them know that you’re hurt, but do what you can to phrase it in a way that isn’t accusatory. After all, you’re not there to make them feel bad or make accusations. You’re there to start a discussion and have a talk about what happened. As soon as someone feels attacked, they will be defensive and shut down.
Do that and I’m sure you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Most people are genuinely nice and aren’t inherently cruel and don’t mean to hurt you. As an added bonus you’ll find that it’s much easier to forgive someone when you’re closer to them and know more about why they did what they did. Of course there’s always the rare exception to the rule. In that case, talking it out won’t help you move on. When you find that the other person is lashing out and trying to hurt you further, your best option is to walk away. At that point it may be time to cut them out of your life if possible, so you can find peace and move on. In either case, you’ve learned something from the discussion and more importantly you got yourself unstuck.
“You can’t hate up close.” Brene Brown – Really trying to understand their perspective and pain too – can release you from yours. I had a male client who was doing lot of work with his relationships with women. He was going thorugh his phone and apologizing to many of them. He was hearing their pain. I was watching his. In watching his pain unfold before my eyes, he gave me a front seat to the pain that men can feel too and insight into why. I watched him and listened to what he said and did and we talked about his beleifs… I could feel the hurt child in there. I ached for him and he was trying to right his wrongs. Being a witness to his journey, healed parts of my own. I realized so much of the stuff I had gone through wasn’t even about me. Like his pain and his actions, had nothing to do with the women he was now apologizing to, it was his pain thrashing about. It was a drowning man grasping and hurting. He’s learned to do better now and the change is remarkable.
If you’re reluctant to approach the person who has hurt, you start by talking it out in your head. Have an imaginary conversation with them. Not only will this allow you to get clearer on the issue and your feelings without having to do any actual talking, it’s also a great exercise in finding out what may happen. Make the conversation go as badly as you can imagine it. That right there is the worst that can happen. Facing your fear can help you be less afraid and less reluctant to have that actual talk. After all, chances are it will go much better than what you’ve feared and imagined. Go have that talk so you can continue to move on and forgive.
